Surviving A Holiday As a Mom Without A Mom

Tomorrow is a holiday of joy and celebration. Easter Sunday! It is a day for church, family, good food, Easter egg hunts, and a search for hidden baskets from the Easter Bunny. It is a day filled with happiness, love, and family.

Tomorrow also would have been my moms 65th birthday. My mom shared this birthday with my husband. I think this contributed to why my mom and husband adored each other so much. They had so much fun together. She loved the way he treated me, and she loved watching him with our daughter. It is a bittersweet day for me (and him) for obvious reasons. Now add a holiday on top of that and whew! Lots of emotions to balance.

I had no idea the difficulty I would face after mom passed. I knew it was going to be hard. I dreaded it. I was scared, sad, mad, and heartbroken. It has been 4 years since she has passed and honestly – though those feelings have gone from a ten to a two in intensity, I have my moments. Many moments. My sister and I describe it as our new normal, though it feels everything but. It has been much harder than I imagined.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of her. She was my best friend in the whole world. I spoke with her on the phone once a day (at least) and saw her at least a few times a week. She loved me for exactly who I was and knew when I needed a hug, support, or a fun day shopping. Needless to say, losing her was the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

Life has been a whirlwind journey since the day she was diagnosed with ALS. Watching her go through that disease put even more fuel in my butt to get people as healthy as possible in all areas of wellness. Hence the point of this blog post. Going through grief is a unique topic on a wellness blog, but this topic belongs here. Learning to be well in the midst of grief adds a whole new host of challenges.

Resilience

One of the very important things I have learned since my mom passed is resilience. Actually I learned this in the face of her disease. With ALS one body function shuts down at a time so just as you learn to adjust to the new crap it throws at you, you reach another set back.

I have been through a heck of a lot but I try with all of my might to stay positive and bounce back from the hard times. Much of this resilience has been built through the learning process of caregiving for my mom throughout her disease, building houses with my husband, miscarriages, autoimmune issues, and being a working mom of three little kids without having my mom, my best friend here to tell me I am doing a great job!

This resilience is also from the values she passed on to me. To be strong, positive, happy, and to focus on the good. I am forever grateful for my kids because they bring me such great joy and bring the fun and magic into holidays. Yet, I still get weepy, restless, and emotional around certain times of the year. Mainly the anniversary of the day she passed away, her birthday, and holidays.

And I won’t forget to mention those random times. For instance tonight I took Larry (my dog) for a walk. The sun was setting, it was a beautiful Wisconsin day. As I walked along the sidewalks I saw a family a few streets over having a gathering. A grandma and grandpa were headed to their car but stopped to lean down and give the grandchildren a big squeeze, then danced with them a little bit while mom and dad watched from the porch.

And just like that, tears.

Happens all the time. These are the moments where I am most vulnerable because I would give anything for mom to see and play with her grandkids. This is especially hard around the holidays. I imagine if you are a mom in the midst of raising your family without your mom, you get it. Even if you don’t have kids, just seeing another woman your age with her mom can make you choke up inside. It is tough, emotional, emotional, and unfair. It is life.

So how do we stay positive and focus on our blessings? Here are a few things that work for me. I hope they work for you too or at the very least give you some guidance on how to get through the holiday, whether it be your first holiday without your mom or your 30th.

What Would She Say?

I have found that since my mom passed away everything is harder. Everything. I don’t have the peace of knowing I can call my mom up for advice. She used to stop by my house all the time, which I loved and looked forward to. That won’t ever happen again. It is a hard pill to swallow. I can talk to 5 of the closest people to me all in a row, but it does not fill the void. There is no one like your mom. No one. She provides a peace and comfort just by walking in a room. One hug from her lets you know everything is just fine!

On a good note, assuming you grew up with your mom, you can pretty much anticipate what she would say in any given situation.

This makes me laugh sometimes because it often pertains when I am arguing with my husband. Sometimes my husband irritates me (sorry babe). When this happens I tend to talk to her about the situation (out loud). I hear her response in my head every time “Ashley, be nice he is such a great person”, or “you are being a a little dramatic” (Me? No!). Then literally out loud I say “I know what you are going to say mom, be nice, but…”.

Silly as it sounds. Talking with her out loud and thinking about how she would respond to the stress I am facing in life helps me to get past the situation and allows me a space to remember her advice and wisdom. Open your heart and mind. You will hear the answer.

Focus On What You Are Grateful For 

This does not mean to push aside your feelings. Never let yourself feel guilty for mourning the loss of your mom. It goes without saying that you are aware other people have it worse. Grief is not a comparison of pain. If you are going through a tough spot, allow yourself to go through the emotions. However parallel that with an “I am grateful for” follow up. Each time you voice how the loss of your mom pains you, add in something you are grateful for.

For example if I were to say, “It is not fair I had to lose my mom to ALS. I want her to be here to see my kids grow up”. I am going to add “I am grateful for my three healthy kids. They are funny, and fun. I am a lucky mom. I will raise them to know about their amazing grandma.” Notice, I did not say “but I am grateful…” because that would take away from the first statement. I know it seems technical, but it works. This grateful statement reminds your brain of the positive, which helps with anxiety. With practice you will be doing this every time. Positive self-talk is uplifting and healthy for your mood.

Have a Good Cry

Not a holiday goes by where I don’t get teary eyed or have a flood of waterworks. I can tell you it has gotten better, but it still happens. It is normal. If this happens to you too, don’t try to stop it. You can go through as many emotional outbursts as you want to. Especially on holidays foods, smells, atmosphere, people, and memories can easily trigger thoughts of your mom. For me it usually happens when I am not even thinking about it. Letting it all out is expressive and in the end makes you feel better. Do not hold it in. Find a supportive person you can talk to. Someone who will be there for you and just listen, without offering advice. I usually find the best people to rely on are those who have gone through a loss. They get it.

Take a Walk in Nature

Get outside for some fresh air. Nature is the ultimate environment for relaxation. Couple that with some exercise and you have the formula for a happy mood and a positive outlook. Sometimes just stepping outside is enough to reframe our mind. Sometimes it may take a little longer.  You may have to walk for 10-15 minutes before the feel-good endorphins start kicking in. I love to get to the tallest point nearby and overlook the nature around me. It makes the world seem so big and our problems seem much smaller. You can also try to bring a hobby outdoors, such as photography, painting, or journaling. Soak up the Vitamin D and let your mind relax.

Do What You Want 

Be sure to not isolate yourself from others, because being social is a great way to improve your health. However, if you are not interested in going to a gathering or event you were invited to, don’t! Even if it is something you have always gone to. Do what makes you happy. Sometimes us moms put too much pressure on ourselves to do everything. Especially for those who have multiple places to be on a holiday, rotate the gatherings on a yearly basis.

You cannot heal if you are spread thin. I repeat, you cannot heal (emotionally or physically) if you are spread thin. Carve out some me time however you can, whether it be going for a walk, painting your nails, organizing your closet, watching a movie, shopping with a friend, or taking a bath. Prioritize yourself because no one else will. Your mom would have, but she isn’t here. You must do this for yourself.

Stay Present

You are going to go through many tough times. Holidays are no exception. Try your best to focus on the good parts of the day. Bring your loved one up at the event! My sister and I talk about my mom and what she would have done all the time. This is a great way to keep her memory alive and makes us even more grateful for each other.

Be gentle with yourself. This is your journey, you are welcome to handle it however you choose. If your mom was still here, she would tell you to take care of yourself, be resilient, and invest your energy in your blessings. Be strong and handle life the way you would want your kids to handle life. You are their role model. Teach them the way your mom taught you.